See You Again

Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun
Slipped away

But I won't cry
'Cause I know I'll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me
You are the light I follow

I will see you again
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me
'Til I see you again

This song by Carrie Underwood hits home for me. I'm sure anyone who has experienced loss can also relate. 

I feel like the couple of weeks leading up to the passing of my grandma were a blur. I remember moving all of her stuff because she had to live with my parent's in their spare bedroom. I remember wanting to stay busy, so that I wouldn't have to think about losing her. I remember a few of us gathered around her singing "Whiskey In The Jar" to her (it was written on my dad's shirt and she asked us what it meant). 

The things I *really* remember are the ones that hurt that most. I remember holding her hand and telling her that it was okay for her to let go. I remember the way my dad's voice cracked when he called me to tell me that she was gone. I remember the way it felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach (even though I had a couple of weeks to prepare for her leaving). I remember the numb feeling after I had cried every tear I could muster up. I remember the empty hole in my heart that remains there today because a part of my life is gone and I can never get it back.

I wish she could've seen me get married in her church. I wish she could've met Kinsley. I wish she could have watched Caden grow into the sweet young man he is today.

I should've called more.

I should've visited more.

I should've been around so much more.

I should've told her how much I loved her more.

I should've let her know that she was one of my best friends.

I should've done so much....

There have been so many times that I wish I could pick up the phone and tell her what was going on. She would listen to me ramble and complain... then she would bring me back down, remind me of what is important, and tell me it's going to be okay. 

I know that this is not my best writing, but it's raw, real, and emotional. I think I'll end here since I'm crying while I type.

But to anyone who has ever lost someone that meant the world to them: you're not alone. And it doesn't matter how long they've been gone, it can hurt like it was yesterday (and that is totally fine!). There is no timeline for grief.